And so it begins again…

My baby girl is 14 1/2 months old, still hard to believe! And even though she still breastfeeds quite a bit, my period has found its way back (2 years this month since my last period before our embryo transfer- I can’t say I missed it!). About a month ago I had a very faint shadow of a period, but this time I know it’s not a fluke. This brings a flood of feelings and questions, should we actively ‘try’ to get pregnant again? What would that even entail for us now? Is it even worth it? Should we get some tests done to see where we stand, even though I don’t think we’ll make it down the road of IVF again? Since we changed our insurance what will this mean financially and where would we go for testing? I don’t think I’m really ready to think about answers to these questions, my days are still filled with taking care of her and barely finding time to do the ‘me’ things that used to fill my days before. A part of me longs to be pregnant again and wishes she could have a sibling to grow up with, especially since we aren’t very close to any of her cousins, but I also don’t really feel like IVF is an option again, and we still don’t know anything more about why things don’t seem to work for us without intervention. Really, I wish we had another embryo or two, but that feels selfish, because we were so lucky to get our sweet baby girl. I definitely don’t feel ready to take the plunge back into the sea of infertility…

As a quick update, she’s doing great. Just starting the adventure of walking, she still prefers to hold one hand, which I don’t mind at all! She’s doing better on the sleep end- still sleeping with us but waking up 1-3 times per night (major improvement from a few months ago where 3 times up were her good nights- knock on wood this holds!). She had a pretty bad cold (bronchiolitis) and still has a cough that comes out at night and wakes her up occasionally, hopefully this is on its way out. Her favorite word is “hi,” she often says it over and over again until you say it back, or keep going back and forth. She also likes “hot,” which she likes to say as a whisper and will blow or wave her hand like when we tell her something is not, and “fish.” All of these with a big smile that is impossible to resist! She likes making screeching sounds if we say or she sees a bird, and moos for cows, and even the cartoon duck sound that her dad makes for ducks! She does lots of signing- more, food, all done, waving, fish, tree, please, thank you… probably more I can’t think of, not bad for only making it to a handful of sign language classes. She likes to comb/brush hair, hers and ours, and play all kinds of musical instruments, especially percussion. She’s still at the top of the growth chart (99-100%), maxed out the height of her infant car seat at 1 year. She loves to dance- mostly either swaying side to side or tapping her feet as fast as she can, and hugs and pets her stuffed animals. Points out her and our noses, eyes, ears, mouths, hair, and belly buttons. I’ve taken her to music classes and was so proud of her for learning to put the instruments back in the bin by herself and not get upset about it, this was so hard for her at the beginning!

It’s a lot of fun being full time mommy getting to spend so much time with her and see her try all of these new things, but it’s also pretty exhausting, and at times frustrating (especially when she feels the need to knock food off of her tray or rub it in her hair, sigh!). She’s kind of waffling between one nap and two, and since I still nurse her to sleep, she naps in our bed too. I can’t leave her alone because the bed is high and we have wood floors, so I stay with her, which means I can’t get much done unless I can do it on my phone. I still have my business and do programs once a month or so, and will be teaching for 3 weeks again this summer- which I need to find some time to prepare for. I still need to work on building more of a mommy-network but it’s been tougher than I thought. The mommy & me yoga class was just cancelled because not enough moms were showing up. Some mom friends have moved away and others have gone back to work part or full time. I’ll keep trying! I feel like it’s really important to let her have time with other kids, especially if she ends up being an only child.

Thanks for reading, sending hope to wherever you are in your story.

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